sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
