im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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