sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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