just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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