Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
