Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
