Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize