His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
