You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize