Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
