The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he high fived his dick after we had sex
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
