everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
