me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
pray to the hookup gods
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
