dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
