In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
