Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize