I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
