Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
