I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
