Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize