I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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