brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
