youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
