Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
