so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
