: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
