There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
