So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
