My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
