Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
