I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
