you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Be still, my beating vagina.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Randomize
