hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Pants are for mortals
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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