woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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