I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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