i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I am one with the molecules
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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