Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize