No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
