i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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