Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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