you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she told me i tasted like america
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
