You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
