Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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