is your mom at the bar?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize