You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
