maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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