I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
