the condom got lost in my hair
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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