I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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