If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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