I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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