no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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