Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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