my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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