I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
