She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize