Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
