i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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