You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
