im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
