we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
